Alone

I had always heard that you can be alone with people around with you and I used to believe it strongly. I never realized that my family would be a part of those people. It is not their fault, not at all. I just don’t want to be me anymore, I want to be alone, I tried leaving the country but they are holding on to me a little too strongly, because they don’t want me to be alone. What they don’t understand is that I am alone, even when they are around, even when they are ready to lend me a listening ear all the time, I am alone, because I choose to. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to be the same old person, in fact I am no longer the same old person. But they are in some sort of denial, they think, that I am somewhere deep inside and that I am lost. They think I can be searched for and brought back, but how do you bring back a dead person. The girl they gave birth to, loved and raised no longer exists. Her body is present, her soul is long gone, her mind is no longer the same. Their denial hurts me because it gives me the pressure of being the same old caring person I once was, what they don’t understand is that if I care, it is going to hurt more, and I won’t be able to take it. What they don’t understand is that they will have to let go off me. I am not saying I don’t need them, I definitely need them, but I am still alone. I don’t want to talk about all the crap that comes to my mind because they don’t deserve to listen to it, they won’t be able to tolerate it, they don’t have the courage to take care of all the poison inside of me. I died ages ago, only they think that I can be brought back. Why? Because I talk, I laugh, I cry, I just can’t be the same compassionate caring daughter they once had. I may be an OK person to an outsider all caring and nice and miss goody two shoes, but the meanness get in my way and I let it in, because I don’t want to be off my guard and that cannot be changed, my loneliness cannot be changed, my soul cannot be repaired and my memories cannot be removed. It is simple, I am alone, I need to acknowledge that and for that I have to go.

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