A BROKEN HOME

What is it that won’t let me out?

What is it which makes me feel empty?

What is it which gives me a sense of loss?

Is it the fact that I loved him for even a second? NO. Because I did not love him, I tried hard, but love is that one trait we humans have no control over.

Is it the disappointed faces of my parents? No

I know what it is. It is the EXPECTATION factor. Not from him, no. But a general expectation from life, that things are going to change. An idea that I am finally going to have a home of my own, with a husband who is not romantic but will be okay when he’ll become a father. My kids, who will be mine, the way I am my mom’s. A perfect little world of mine.

The day I broke up with him was the day I lost a home which I was not even aware existed inside me. What disturbs me is not the feeling of losing him, but the feeling of losing all those beautiful expectations I’ve had from life.

Being a woman, the idea of having a home of my own was the most appealing to me. I did not care much that the person I am planning to build a home with is very dry, as I used to put it back then. Now I realize that he never wanted to make a home with me. I was ready to give him a chance, despite his carelessness.

I’d thought that he’d be okay once he starts living with me. Our home will be a beautiful place where we will give our kids everything we’ve missed in life. But the problem was that all this planning was a one-sided story, and one-sided stories never get to a happy end unless you mutually agree to things.

So all in all, the reason for my emptiness is no ones fault but my own. My mistake was the expectation of having a home of my own, and the second big mistake was planning that with a person who never cared.

That incident made me realize that if I need a home, I should build it on my own, without depending on a man. Because a man was responsible for breaking a home I thought I was trying to build with him from day 1.

 

The Date Today!

What do you call a day which was supposedly your anniversary but now you are no longer together?

How are you supposed to feel coming out of a relationship to which you have given so much single handedly?

Does that person deserve to be missed if he never gave you a feel of relationship, respect or love?

Should you feel happy or sad that you are no longer ready for a relationship?

Should I let the approaching guy help me or should I shoo him away just because I hate relationships so much.

Where is the place to look for trust?

I let it kill my insides once, how do I do it another time.

Why would I give myself another chance?

I am leading a life which makes me realise that I stand nowhere in terms of emotions and I can do nothing to change this and this is what makes me go insane.

 

I don’t..

I don’t need help. I don’t need advice. I don’t need you. I just want you to listen to me. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to tell me that everything will be fine.

Tell me that it’s a disaster. Tell me that my life actually sucks. Tell me that it got fucked up because of my stupidity of trusting an idiot. And drink to it with me.

I don’t want you to try to be extra soft and nice with me. Just leave me alone if that is what you plan. I know that you want something to gossip about and my life is a juicy story, take it, gossip, but get the fuck out. Leave me alone.

i am not Ok. But I don’t need an asshole like you to help me deal with it.

 

It will be worth it.

via Daily Prompt: Quicken

He touhed her hand softly. It was after a good 3 years she let someone come this close. But he’d earned that. The pace of her heart quickened at his touch and she was scared. She didn’t want it to go in a damaging direction. He stopped at it and she was convinced that he was what he seemed like. She stopped for a second to enjoy the excitement of the moment but realized that every part of her being was laced with fear. She was very very scared. She was not ready. She did not know when she’d ever be ready. He was nice, intelligent and a true gentleman but that is what her ex seemed like. He reminded her of him, not in his negatives but in his positives. It was never a part of her plan to breakup with him but he turned savage, he literally plotted a scheme to frame her as a slut and recovery from that was more than difficult. This guy was more than understanding, he even knew what her ex had done and was very clear on what he needed, her companionship. This really made her respect him, but the scars from her past made her push away every one. This was the reason she’d never let anyone come this close. Even though it did hurt her to see every guy who approached her get far but she was never ready to risk it. He convinced her it would be worth it and today after 40 years of being together, when she saw him crying over her dead body, she felt thankful for the risk she’d taken with her life because he gave her all the love she was told she deserved.

The Fire.

I know what it’s like to fight back your tears.

i know how it feels to smile when all you want to do is cry.

I know it’s pathetic to see yourself tied and not being able to do anything about it.

i can feel the fire burning inside.

i can feel the urgency to use that flame to burn everything that comes in your way but you can’t.

That helplessness is relatable.

The cry for freeing yourself is not just your own.

Let this pass.

Things may get worse, but you will get used to it.

Don’t plan for good or better or best.

Just accept what is and what may come.

Don’t beg anyone to makeĀ things better.

just accept what is.

The day you accept will be the day you’ll be able to change it.

 

 

Me First

Yes I love my people.

yes they are important to me.

Yes I support my friends and colleagues.

But I am capable of self love.

finally I am free from the barriers which made me think about others and not myself.

Call me a manipulative bitch if you want to, but I am sick of people pushing me aside so I gotta learn to put myself first.

because only I live with myself all the time and I have to take care of myself.