I had always heard that you can be alone with people around with you and I used to believe it strongly. I never realized that my family would be a part of those people. It is not their fault, not at all. I just don’t want to be me anymore, I want to be alone, I tried leaving the country but they are holding on to me a little too strongly, because they don’t want me to be alone. What they don’t understand is that I am alone, even when they are around, even when they are ready to lend me a listening ear all the time, I am alone, because I choose to. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to be the same old person, in fact I am no longer the same old person. But they are in some sort of denial, they think, that I am somewhere deep inside and that I am lost. They think I can be searched for and brought back, but how do you bring back a dead person. The girl they gave birth to, loved and raised no longer exists. Her body is present, her soul is long gone, her mind is no longer the same. Their denial hurts me because it gives me the pressure of being the same old caring person I once was, what they don’t understand is that if I care, it is going to hurt more, and I won’t be able to take it. What they don’t understand is that they will have to let go off me. I am not saying I don’t need them, I definitely need them, but I am still alone. I don’t want to talk about all the crap that comes to my mind because they don’t deserve to listen to it, they won’t be able to tolerate it, they don’t have the courage to take care of all the poison inside of me. I died ages ago, only they think that I can be brought back. Why? Because I talk, I laugh, I cry, I just can’t be the same compassionate caring daughter they once had. I may be an OK person to an outsider all caring and nice and miss goody two shoes, but the meanness get in my way and I let it in, because I don’t want to be off my guard and that cannot be changed, my loneliness cannot be changed, my soul cannot be repaired and my memories cannot be removed. It is simple, I am alone, I need to acknowledge that and for that I have to go.
I am alive, because I don’t have an option.
i could have killed myself ages ago, but I can’t give my parents more pain than they already have.
i choose to remain trapped inside my own head, because I can’t get out no matter what.
i kill my feelings for one, two or three days, but they always find a way to creep back into my skin.
i try to kill my fears, but they always get the better of me.
i took a very long time to come out of my denial and I paid for it with my feelings.
i seem like a normal girl, a happy girl, but maybe this is what all happy girls go through.
i am a survivor because I am not brave enough to pass on the pain.
With new year around the corner, everyone’s thinking about the resolutions which must be kept in mind before getting started with the challenges and triumphs this year has to bring with itself. This year has been a havoc for me. At the end of this year, I am at the verge of breakup from a parasitic relationship. Even though it’s no longer upsetting for me, it still bothers my dad a lot, he wanted me to settle down. But the thing is that, with what the issues going on for a year now, cutting myself free from this relationship is going to give me wings. All my partner could give me was a year of fake promises in 2 years of our relationship, it was a long distance case, so he wouldn’t even bother calling me or sending me a picture. If truth be told, I haven’t seen him for more than 2 years now and all he was doing to me was just stopping me from being myself. There was no “US” in that relationship, it was just him and his job, home, boss, friends and what not. I was never a part of his life, let alone his family. I am thankful, that before the beginning of the new year, I have realized where I stand and what I want from a relationship. I know, that just telling me that you’re there, won’t do, you’ll have to prove it. I’ve learnt that in the coming year I won’t let a guy make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I have understood how to say no. I will, for the first time, try to think of a future on my own, being myself, without having to fulfill anyone’s expectations, I will think of myself. I will make decisions not being someone’s something, but being Someone for myself. For 2017, I refuse to be owned or recognized by a relationship, I will take my ownership. I don’t need a man to tell me how beautiful I look, not because he never did it for me in our 2 years, but because I realize, that no one’s approval is required.
This year I break myself free.